Damocles
by Sorrow has a Human Heart
Summary: Prequel to Higher Survival. The events that led up and into the first chapter through Eren's eyes.


**Disclaimer: Hajime Isayama owns Shingeki no Kyojin. I do not profit in any meaningful or monetary way from this fan fiction. (Unless shits, giggles, and pocket lint are "meaningful".)**

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><p><strong>"Damocles"<strong>

Tiny legs crawled up the scorched stripes on his face, where titan flesh had melded with and scarred the human, marching up the curved lines. Eren swiped at his cheeks, half-waking from his much-needed slumber. After he'd finally come to from his coma, he'd eaten-or rather, gorged himself-on two huge bowls of hearty beef soup and what must have been the equivalent of a full loaf of bread. Fat and content as he was after that, fatigue had returned in full force. Predictably, Mikasa had insisted that he lie back down and rest some more. As many questions as he was eager to have answered, he truly lacked the strength to argue.

And if he couldn't even bring himself to argue with her, then she was probably right. He needed a little more shut-eye before he'd have the energy to run around headquarters, pestering anyone he could about what had happened in Stohess after he'd fought Annie. Either way, it was better to give Mikasa what she wanted this time. He wouldn't put it past her to do something completely nuts, like tie him down or knock him back out. That, and Eren couldn't entirely blame her; his life had legitimately been in constant danger the last couple of days. It was nerve-wracking for everyone.

But who could he trust not to hold anything back when he did get the chance to ask? Even Armin took Mikasa's side in times like this, and Commander Erwin would probably keep a few things under wraps for strategy's sake. He wasn't about to give Jean the satisfaction, and Captain Levi was better left without another barrage of questions after the expedition...Hange would probably be the best person he could turn to. She'd tell him all he wanted to know from four or five different angles, with and without the technicalities before she'd feel satisfied that everything was out in the open. Sadly, after literally tearing up the town to confront Annie, that was kind of what he needed: a no holds barred dissertation. There were parts of that struggle he couldn't really remember; moments of black-out that didn't happen because he'd gotten lost in his subconscious. It wasn't anything like what had happened before he'd plugged the breach in Trost; it wasn't like a waking dream this time. Those bits of memory simply weren't there at all, and it seriously frightened him.

The sensation that had started out as something like ants crawling up a hill suddenly turned into prickly spines though, prompting Eren to bolt upright, wide awake and viciously scratching at the burn marks around his eyes. Were they going to keep annoying him like this until they healed? He could barely take a half-sleeping minute to gather his thoughts, and it was starting to piss him off!

"Agh, stop it already!" he groaned, dragging the palms of his fingers down his face to sooth the angry welts he'd raised.

Halfway down, just under his nose, he smeared something warm and slick. At first, Eren thought he'd scraped his face too hard, but then a thick glob of red dripped from his upper lip and down onto the bed covers in his lap, followed by another, and another. He pinched his nostrils together to control the leak, and pushed back blankets. As his feet touched the stone floor, a wave of dizziness reverberated through his skull, and a tight, slowly mounting pressure lingered in its wake.

His heart fluttered, his stomach sank, and then his pulse sky-rocketed as though it were trying to burst through his chest cavity.

Panic crashed over him. Out of nowhere, his body was raging against him, and down in this basement, he was alone. Would anyone even hear him if he tried to call out? Eren knew he was in bad shape, and it seemed like it was only going to get worse. He couldn't just stand there and hope it passed. This definitely didn't feel like something that was just coming and going. He'd never felt so awful this quickly in his entire life. If he wanted to live through it, he needed to move _now. _If he wanted to survive, he had to break the rules that had been set for him, even if they were for everyone's safety, and go get the help he needed. But when he stood, Eren found his legs shaky and unstable. Trudging against the weight of his fatigue and weakness was like wading knee-deep in mud. The simple act of walking required him to concentrate on making each step, one at a time. Reaching the entrance to his room, he tripped forward and caught himself on the doorframe. Panting and swallowing blood and saliva, he pushed himself back up.

The hallway before him was swaying and melting, obscured by the flood of sweat pouring into his eyes. The veins in his legs were now filling with little, boiling pockets of pin-pricks that seemed to start in his toes and course their way up into his gut. There, they inflated to an unbearable mass before exploding into plumes of hot acid and gas that scorched the back of his throat. With a determined growl, Eren pressed forward, stumbling to the opposite wall and clinging to the edges of the bricks. They were cool and soothing against his overheating skin, but he knew had to move. If he could just use the wall to stay on his feet, he might make it. Slowly, slowly, he began side-stepping down the corridor, gasping for air and clenching his teeth against the assaults of pain tearing into him at every nerve. He had to live. He had to make it. Too many people had already given their lives in exchange for his. To go out now like this, to some stupid sickness would be unforgiveable.

"Fight it," Eren growled, foaming at the corners of his mouth; drool mixing in with the blood dribbling down his chin. Clawing at one brick after the next with the tips of his fingers, he pulled himself down the length of the hall. In precious inches at a time, the stairwell to the first floor grew closer.

Then, at last, at the very first step, one foot spitefully tripped up the other, and Eren fell backwards. Nothing was there break his fall but the solid wood and stone beneath him, and his back touched down with a nauseating crack. He coughed, heaved, and squirmed to reclaim the breath the floor had knocked out of him. Mentally, he begged his arms and legs to lift him up; to crawl up the stairs, but nothing happened. For all his exertion, the only movement he could pull off was to bring one hand in front of his face, and to wince at the dark, bluish hue the arteries inside of it had turned. What the hell was happening to him?

Spaced out, minutes passed in seconds, and his eyes grew heavier and heavier.

Somewhere in the distance, he heard the urgent gallop of horses' hooves. Eren forced himself to blink. That wasn't possible. He was inside the Survey Corps' headquarters, desperately trying to get to someone-anyone-who might know what was going on, and how to make it stop. He was right there, so close. All he had to do was climb. After that, he could rest. Whoever was making the night rounds would have to notice him when he reached the top.

With all of the paltry strength left in him, Eren lifted one leg. Almost instantly, the limb betrayed him, weakly flopping back down. The effort made his eyes water, and the patterns on the walls and the light from torches blurred together, merging into shapes, colors, and somehow, sounds. Overhead, and maybe a little from behind, he swore he could hear the tell-tale whir of the three-dimensional maneuvering gear's wires being cast and plucked. Shadows of billowing cloaks and spinning, flying bodies danced over the walls and ceiling; the Wings of Freedom ever beckoning him forward, urging him on. Swimming behind his own eyes, he reached out for them.

No, there was no ceiling; not anymore. That big, blue mass above was the open sky, dressed up in layers of sun-lit cirrus wisps. The telescopic tunnel he'd been gazing through was not made of tears and agony, but a break in a canopy of giant trees. Eren remembered now, although still dizzy. He might barely be in his right mind, but there was no mistaking it. The female titan's footsteps were gaining on them! Their horses raced ahead at full speed down the forest road, but he still had a choice to make, and he wasn't going to let it turn out the same way as it had before.

Everyone was going home alive this time around.

His hand-his trigger-had never left his sight. This wasn't about trust or his ability to believe in others. He understood that now. If everyone was charged with protecting him, at least he could do the same for them. He would show them-Mikasa, Armin, and Squad Levi-that he was able to stand for them as well. He didn't need them as guardians or bodyguards; what he needed was to fight alongside everyone else!

Just like the first time, they all cried out, begging him to rethink it, but Eren ignored them. He'd had enough time to do that, and he didn't care if they hated him for it later. They'd be alive, and that would be enough. Without another moment's hesitance, he bit down on his hand as hard as he could, crunching through and severing muscle and bone. Power surged through his body anew, lifting him up into the nape of his titan's neck as it took shape around him.

_"Eren!" _Mikasa's voice cried out, but she was still far away.

Eren turned his back on her. It was his turn to fight. Furious energy gathered in the pit of his titan's stomach, all the food it would ever need. Before him, Annie stood at the ready, her arms upraised and hands balled into fists. Yes, he knew exactly who he was dealing with this time. There would be no more doubts about how or why it was her. She was going to die here and now, before she could cut another life short. Roaring like the monster he was-the monster he needed to be-Eren embraced one of the giant trees, straining to pluck it up. The roots gave way, ripping up the earth, and he hurled it Annie, toppling her in one fell swoop.

_"Eren, you're dreaming! Wake up and stop this!"_

Mikasa again. And again. And again, trying to restrain him on a leash like a wild, disobedient dog because she meant well for him; probably only him. It was infuriating. There she was, clinging to his face during a dangerous fight, talking down to him as if he were some helpless child and trying to tell him that it wasn't important, like always. But this was for real-nothing felt more real and certain than this, of all things. Petra, Erd, Oluo, and Gunther among many, many others were going to die all over again if she didn't get out of his way! Their comrades were all going to die!

Eren willed his flesh to burn. He willed his anger into embers that streaked across his skin, forcing Mikasa to retreat. His whole being was consumed in violence as he stomped toward the still-stunned female titan. He was going to gouge Annie out of her titan shell and snap her real body in half. He was going to rip her apart, limb from limb, with his bare hands! But only a few paces forward, Mikasa was there again, buzzing by and cutting inches shy of the nape of his neck. Just what did he have to do to make her stop? Enraged, he kicked over the trees in front of him, just in time for her to swoop down and half-sever his ankles, and he crashed to his knees.

On all fours, he screamed. Why was Mikasa always so blind to the bigger picture, almost like she could care less for it? He had chosen this! Back when they were still kids, long before they'd even been old enough to train, he had chosen the Survey Corps, knowing full well what it meant. Yet, even as the fearsome creature he'd become in the time between, she was still always there, afraid that he'd only hurt himself, obsessing over how she could never, ever lose him, and all but accusing him of abandoning her when things got dangerous. As if he'd actually do that! He'd fought and killed for her when they'd only just met. What even gave her the right to think that? What the hell was her problem? Eren's head was spinning, and all he could do for it was to take up one of the trees he'd downed and pitch it aimlessly into the forest ahead.

That was when she came upon him again, and stabbed one of his real arms. _"Eren, if you don't wake up now, I'll have to cut you out."_

Wake up? Why did she keep telling him he was asleep? Why couldn't she understand that he needed to get the expedition right this time? Seeing so many people die right in front of him, and for him-he hated how it weighed him down. He hated having to admit to himself time and again that he'd been the first one to turn away; that it had ultimately been his choice to ride full speed ahead, and let one man after another act as his meat shields. A second chance like this was not something to take lightly; not something to waste. Eren couldn't just let it slip through his hands. He had to hold onto this opportunity as tight as he could, because being able to do it all over again-it was...it was...

Eren's breath caught halfway up his throat. It was impossible, wasn't it?

In this world, no one was allowed to re-do the past. No matter how terrible, once something had happened, no one could undo it. The only option that ever made any kind of sense was to keep going, even if the shadows leapt out at him from in front and behind. It had always been like fuel for him, though. The bitterness, anguish, and even the hopelessness of it all were a constant reminder of why fighting for freedom had come to mean everything to him.

Exhaling at last, he shuddered and sank his titan's fingers into the ground below. If he hadn't been fighting Annie, and if those weren't really trees he'd been tossing and kicking around, just what _had_ he been doing? Eren took a good look around, disbelieving. All of this-he couldn't-he would never do this! There was what looked like a huge sinkhole in the courtyard, and chunks of the Survey Corps' headquarters were literally missing, aside from a few stray bricks left over here and there. Blood was splattered over the lawn and walls where fellow soldiers had died. He felt sick, and not just physically. He'd never stopped feeling that way, and all that had stood between him and the help he needed were a few measly steps, but he hadn't even been able to get that far.

What had he done?

_"...come out now. I'm here."_

Buried between slabs of muscle tissue and rope-like tendons, his head throbbed in excruciating pain. A sharp pang shot through his temples like an arrow, stabbing through, and to his horror, the monster started moving without him. Its hands gathered up the stone and gravel, melting them together while it stood on steam-healing feet and faced Mikasa.

"No," Eren growled in protest, and putrid, crimson sludge filled his mouth. Swallowing the back the blood and bile, he forced himself further up, digging into the titan's head with his own, hoping that closer contact would let him regain control. Strips of its flesh wrapped around his head while he burrowed into them, layering one upon the other over his face and neck, leaving only scarce room for his eyes and mouth. For a moment, it seemed to work. The titan could only stare at the horrible weapons it had just created in its hands.

_"Mikasa, you have to stop him!"_

"Armin?" Eren choked, spitting out the greasy fluid and gasping for air. Suddenly, his legs numbed, and his titan fell to its knees once more, as though groveling.

_"-extract your dumb-assed friend before he makes a bigger mess."_

"Captain Levi!" he exclaimed, and for a split second, he dared to hope that he'd make it through this. If both Levi and Mikasa were working to cut him out, there was a chance. Together, they had to be fast enough. They could get him out of here, and then hopefully, they could all work together to figure out what had gone so terribly wrong with him.

Yet, at that very moment, the innards he'd plunged his head into were beginning to constrict. From even deeper inside the titan's head, dangling ribbons of tissue snaked their way down, weaving together with the ones already wrapped way too tightly. They drooped and slithered even lower, covering his eyes and locking his neck in a choke-hold, making him gag. Again, he could feel and taste his own blood surging from his eyes, ears, and nose. It gurgled up through his mouth and seeped between the suffocating layers surrounding him until it was completely sealed as well.

Eren couldn't see, couldn't move, and couldn't breathe. His lungs kept trying, but each rise and fall of his chest only served to sharpen the pain. Fire cut across his arms and legs, merging together with his lungs in a strangled, terrified scream he couldn't afford to make. Somewhere behind his eyes, he felt the too-familiar sensation of tears building up, but even they had no way out.

He wasn't allowed to cry.

_"Eren, wake up; get out of there!"_ Strong arms wrapped around his torso, trying with all their might to pluck him free, but the titan's head pulled back.

It was almost as though he were being eaten alive. It was eating him, wasn't it? That's why he'd become so sick all of a sudden. Even from the inside out, his titan was eating him.

This...this was it. He was going to fulfill Mikasa's worst fears after all, and he couldn't even apologize to her. He couldn't use his last breath to tell her that there was more to life than trying to keep from losing again, and that she'd do okay without him, because without even knowing for sure when it he'd used it up, he'd already breathed it. Why did it need to come down to this for him to think of saying something like that? He should have long ago, but in his pride and lust for vengeance, all he could ever see was this overbearing girl who held him back because she thought him too weak to handle the world. He was wrong-so wrong- and now there was nothing he could do about it!

He could do nothing.

Her arms interlocked with his beneath his shoulders, tugging even harder, but each time she tried, he only wound up getting sucked back in, deeper and deeper each time.

_ "Eren, Eren!"_

He'd given up on breathing now, and he couldn't feel his heartbeat but once every few seconds. This wasn't how it was supposed to be, but the need to grieve for everything he was leaving behind quickly faded. The pain had passed, replaced with a weird, euphoric haze that lulled him to stop struggling, stop thinking, and stop regretting. There were vague memories, flashes of light, and a loose, detached floating sensation. His mother's face, smiling and serene, flashed before his mind's eye, and then his body fell limp.

It was over, and he'd been completely sapped of the will to resist any longer. There was no surviving this. Eren had done all he could, but even where he was now, he was only human. He'd never been anything else.

_"Eren, Eren, Eren!"_

If he couldn't fight...

_"Eren-!"_

_ "Stop it, Mikasa. You're not helping him."_

...he couldn't win.


End file.
